Coaching Gems
There are hundreds of coaching ideas that people write about or use. Here are some my patients have found particularly helpful. Do you have some other gems you want so share? Describe them in the comment box at the lower right side of the page. Or send me a note at MarcDSchwartzMD@GMail.com
Click on the topic below to read about the coaching gem:
Table of Contents
Interpersonal Issues
“When we go out to eat, you’re always looking around, you never look at me.”
“I don’t remember your telling me that.”
“You’ve made this same mistake dozens of times. Why can’t you just get it right!”
Ellen: “You’re driving too fast” Kevin: “No, I’m not.”
“(Annoyed) You’re interrupting me again. Let me finish.” “(Also annoyed) But I already know what you’re going to say.”
Getting Organized
The best way to state items on your to-do list.
“Thanks for helping me organize my files. Now I can’t find anything!”
Being On Time
“I would have been on time, but something unexpected came up that delayed me.”
A scheduling tip for getting there on time.
Jean: “Ten minutes ago I said that dinner is on the table.” Jessie: “OK, OK. I’ve just got to finish this one thing.”
Remembering and Reminder Systems
One way to stop missing appointments
Reminder aids
Get a reminder even if you don’t have a cell phone or wrist watch alarm
Get paid to remember to check your calendar (or close the garage door or turn out the light) each day
Get paid to look at your reminder calendar each day
I don’t have a wrist watch alarm or cell phone alarm for reminding myself. Are there any computer based reminder systems?
Not losing or forgetting things when you’re traveling
Remember where in the parking lot/garage you parked your car
If I’m holding a golf club when I get to the green, I’ll often put it down to putt, and then forget it after I’ve putted. I then move on to the next hole without it. How can I remember it better?
For some more ideas about getting things done and keeping organized, see the ADD Tool Kit page.
Reading
I have trouble reading for more than short periods of time.
I can’t keep track of the characters in book or important parts of the plot when I read.
Miscellaneous
What kind of diet may be best for ADD
“I’m OK once I start doing something. My problem is getting started.”
“I have no trouble getting started. I need to get better staying focused after I’ve started.”
“I have trouble staying focused on what someone else is saying.”
What to to if a pharmacist is rude when I go to get a prescription for a stimulant
How not to use an ADD coach
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Coaching Gems
When we go out to eat, you’re always looking around, you never look at me.
When people with ADD eat at restaurants, they may be distracted by the activities around them and lose eye contact with others at their table who are talking to them. This can be off-putting. A good strategy is for the ADD person to take a seat facing the wall.
“Did you say that? I just don’t remember your saying that.”
When someone is telling the ADD person something important, the person with ADD may appear to be listening but often is not. If the ADD person is genuinely interested in hearing and remembering what was said, it can be helpful if he/she suggests that the other person…
- pick a time to discuss the issue when the ADD person is not otherwise involved
- state that the information about to be discussed is important, and ask if this is a good time to talk about it. If the ADD person feels it is not, schedule another time.
- make sure that good eye contact has been established before starting the discussion. (“Could you look me in the eye as we talk about this.”)
- make sure that good eye contact is maintained throughout the conversation (“Whoops, I think we have lost eye contact.”)
- at the end of the conversation, ask the ADD person to confirm/restate what has been stated or agreed upon.
- ask the ADD person to write down what has been agreed upon if it involves times, dates, or specific information that must be remembered and acted on.
“(Annoyed) You’re interrupting me again. Let me finish.” “(Also annoyed) But I already know what you’re going to say.”
Especially in an argument, it is sometimes hard for the person with ADD to wait until the other person has finished what they are saying. It seems like such a waste of time to listen to someone else go on and on when it’s perfectly obvious what’s about to be said. And anyway the person with ADD has something pressing to say and may forget what it was before it’s their turn to talk. This can be very annoying to someone who is trying to make a point clear.
Some couples have found it helpful to have an agreement that if either of them raises their hand during a discussion (like in class), the other person will do their very best to suspend what they are saying, and let the one make a brief clarification, ask a question, or present a relevant fact. The other person can then acknowledge what was said then continue or respond.
How to word items on your to-do list.
When writing items on your to-do list, use specific action verbs. For example,
not “John Jones”, but “call John Jones at 3 PM”
not “grocery store” but “stop at grocery store on the way home from work”.
Pretend the to-do list is the “general” within you telling the troops exactly what is expected of them.
“Thanks a lot for helping me organize my files. Now I can’t find anything!”
When Bob is helping John, who has ADD, organize John’s files, Bob should use categories that make sense to John. If he doesn’t, John will file items but not be able to figure out where to look for them later. On the other hand, if John’s intuitive ideas about filing categories seem illogical, non-memorable, or unworkable, the two people should explore what categories to use. In any case, it may be helpful, as the files are set up, to keep a table of contents of the labels of the files and put it in front of the files. This will make it easier for John to home in on the files he is looking for.
Get paid to remember to check your calendar each day.
It is very helpful to keep a calendar for keeping track of appointments, birthdays, etc. so many people start to do this. Some people write down events and appointments in the calendar, but then, after a few days or weeks, stop looking at it. If this has happened to you, and there is someone who lives with you who would like you to remember appointments better, here’s a suggestion that might keep you keep checking your calendar every day.
Make an agreement with the other person that each evening, you will look at your calendar reminders for the next day and make a small pen or pencil mark on that date of the calendar documenting that you have looked at it. Every day , the other person will look at the calendar and, if you’ve made your mark, will pay you a small agreed-upon amount of money. The amount could be 25 cents, a dollar, or ten dollars depending on your budget. It should be large enough to have some meaning but not so large as to be burdensome to either of you. Use whatever tools you can to “win” this game, including leaving notes to yourself on your pillow, by your toothbrush, etc or setting your cell phone to ring an alarm every night at 9 PM to remind you to check the calendar.
If the other person finds that you haven’t made your mark on a particular day, they will politely ask you for payment, and you will politely make it – no comments, no discussion.
Hopefully the other person is someone who is invested enough in your being successful with the calendar that he or she will be willing to pay for your being successful at it, at least for a while until it becomes a habit, when you can stop the game.
PS Keep it light. If this game leads to arguments, it’s best to stop playing it.
You’ve made this same mistake dozens of times. Why can’t you just get it right!
It is important for the non-ADD person to recognize and accept the fact that ADD is a biological dysfunction of the brain, not the result of laziness or a moral failing. Although normal in other ways, people with ADD may have problems with attention, self-control (impulsivity, impatience, etc), perseverance, and/or memory. The other person may assume that the person with ADD doesn’t care or is not motivated when in fact he may feel quite badly, anxious, and depressed that he does not remember things and does not complete things. If the other person can view the ADD person’s difficulties as a kind of disability that can benefit from assistance, compensations, accommodations, etc rather than blaming the person with ADD, it can help the person with ADD and can improve the relationship.
A scheduling tip for getting there on time.
When writing a 2 PM appointment in your appointment book or calendar, write “leave home at 1:15″, not “appointment at 2:00 PM”
If you use a PDA (iphone, Blackberry, cell phone with calendar) to remind yourself of appointments, set the alarm/reminder function to remind you the day before and an hour or two before the appointment.
I would have been on time, but something unexpected came up that delayed me.
How to get ready for and be at appointments on time:
1. Decide long beforehand whether you really want to do what you’re considering doing. If you are certain you want to do it, make a commitment to yourself that you will do whatever is necessary to be prepared to do it, do it well, and to do it on time. Otherwise, don’t bother with the rest of tasks listed below since they probably won’t work. If you want to make the commitment, then try fairly rigidly to do all the tasks .
2. Write down on the date of the appointment in your calendar (if you don’t have a big calendar, get one) including who the appointment is with, exactly the time its scheduled for, the address, and what time you will have to leave wherever you will be to get there on time. Double check the address before writing it in the appointment book if the appointment might conceivably be held at a different location. At that time (not later), firmly establish and write down all the details of the appointment including the route you will take, who will go with you, what will you bring with you, what you might do on the way there or on the way back, when and how you will return. Think who might be affected by your going to this appointment (need a baby sitter, a dog sitter, whose car will you use, would your significant other want to know you won’t be around at the time of the appointment, are there others who might want to go with you, is there shopping you might want to do beforehand or afterwards, etc). Think who might be needed for your plans to work (friend, child, co-worker.) Believe it or not, most people who are on time do this kind of planning though they don’t always have to write down all the details.
3. Have some reminder system set up that will remind you weeks or months (not days) beforehand to read and finalize your plans, especially if they involve others. Finalizing involves being sure when you will have to leave wherever you will be to get to the appointment on time, planning how and when you will arrange for your transportation. if necessary; if you are going by car, decide when you will check to see that you have enough gas so you won’t have to stop for gas on the way to the appointment. Make a reminder (cell phone, paper on refrigerator, etc) that you will see or hear a few weeks or days before the appointment that will refresh your memory to do the next step.
4. Depending on the complexity of the plan, weeks to days (no fewer than 3 days) beforehand, review your plans: the exact time you need to make preparations for leaving so you will have enough time to check the directions to the location, make sure you will have any phone numbers you need, that you will bring anything you need to bring with you, will have enough gas and/or money, etc. Think through whether there are any potential conflicts with regard to your plan. Set up a reminder system to alert you to the night before the appointment.
5. The night beforehand, commit yourself to the time you will start getting ready. Put out anything that you will need so you won’t have to go searching for it at the last minute.
6. At “ready time” the next day, stop whatever else you are doing and start preparing to leave on time with everything you need.
7. Some time after the appointment, drop me a note (MarcDSchwartzMD@GMail.com) and let me know what worked and what didn’t work and why.
Jean: Ten minutes ago I said that dinner is on the table. Jessie: I’ve just got to finish this one thing.
It’s dinner time. Barbara, having prepared the meal and set the table (in this traditional household), calls out to Dave, “dinner time”. Dave, in the middle of some task, says, “just a minute, hon”. Five minutes later, Barbara calls out, “hey, come on, dinner is getting cold”. Dave says, I’ve just got to finish this one thing.” You probably know how this story ends. It’s not pretty.
Dave and Barbara have now worked out a better system. They sat down and agreed that Barbara will give Dave two dinner announcements: the first, ten minutes beforehand, to give him time to wind down what he is doing, and the second two minutes beforehand to actually stop what he is doing and set things up so he can restart most efficiently. Dave agreed that this always has taken long than he expected, so he will try to get to the dinner table long before the two minutes have passed. The system doesn’t work perfectly all the time, but it is a great improvement and has made most dinners more enjoyable.
Even though I take my medication right when I wake up, it doesn’t kick in for an hour so I’m often late for work or school.
You might try putting your dose of medication on your bedside table along with a glass of water. Put two alarm clocks there too. Set one for an hour before you usually get up. Set the other one for your usual wake-up time. When the first alarm goes off, turn it off, take your medication, and go back to sleep. When the second alarm clock goes off, you should wake up more alert and ready for the day.
Ellen: “You’re driving too fast” Kevin: ”No, I’m not.”
Usually when Ellen says Kevin is driving too fast, it does not mean Ellen thinks Kevin is driving over the speed limit or even, necessarily, driving at an unsafe speed. It just means that Ellen feels uncomfortable by things whipping by her too fast for her nervous system to deal with. Maybe Kevin thinks she “shouldn’t” feel uncomfortable, but she does. She would feel less anxious if Kevin would slow down. That is the issue Ellen and Kevin need to deal with, not whether Kevin is driving too fast.
I’m OK once I start doing something. My problem is getting started.
Imagine that the task you want to do is starting is a camp fire in the woods. You put some logs in the fire pit, light a match and hold it under a log. The match burns a few seconds and goes out. You light another. Same things happens. You walk away, unable to start a task. It is obvious why this didn’t work. You didn’t spend any time getting kindling, you didn’t use pieces of paper and twigs, which would have easily started a fire, which would have then spread to the logs.
If you have ADD, getting started on a task can be like starting a fire, but in this case the fire you want to start is in your brain. You will need to take some time to slowly wake up (activate or recruit) sleepy or uninterested neurons. When you get enough of them working on your task, you can get started, and you’ll blaze right through it. The best way to recruit the right neurons is to do as many things as you can that are related to the task at hand. For example, if you are writing a paper, read what you have written so far, make a few notes, think about the paper, look at a book on the topic, start writing a few phrases about the topic (which you can throw out later if you wish.) Just keep doing these minor tasks until the fire catches. Or if the task is to mow the lawn, walk to the lawn mower and just look at it, turn it upside down and examine the blades, get the extension cord, jiggle the controls of the lawnmower, do anything you can think of related to mowing the lawn – and do them again until suddenly (hopefully), your brain and the lawn mower will start buzzing.
I have no trouble getting started. I need to get better staying focused once I start.
Distractions are one of the worst enemies of someone with ADD. People with ADD too often lose their focus when something is going on around them, or if they think of something more interesting than what they are working on. The challenge then is to reduce distractions. Here are some suggestions:
Try to eliminate all distractions before you start. Work in a place where there is nobody around. If you are studying in a library, go to the farthest corner of the deepest stacks where there are the least interesting books. Don’t take anything with you except what you need to work on.
If you are working on your computer, get a program that blocks you from opening any program other than the one you need to work on and that blocks you for a few hours from going on any site on the internet except the one you need to work on.
Wear headphones that play music (no lyrics) softly as you are doing your work (this blocks out other distracting sounds).
Wear noise canceling headphones with no music playing.
And here’s a way not to get distracted when house cleaning suggested by a visitor to this site:
“Often while I am cleaning up one room, I go to another room to put something away, fully intending to return to the first room. But some distraction in the second room causes me to abandon my original task and start something new. I then repeat the cycle going from room to room seeing other things that need to be done and forgetting what I intended to do in the previous room. Subsequently nothing ever seems to get done.
“On the basis of my experience as a waitress for 10 years, I decided to set up a “bus station” when cleaning my home. I set up a station (a laundry basket) and place everything in it that needs to be taken care of in that room or that needs to be brought to another room. Only after I have emptied the basket, do I take it to the another room and load it with the tasks that need to be done there.”
Sometimes I can’t keep focused on what the other person is saying.
Try staring at the other person’s mouth and try read their lips. Occasionally echo what they’re saying to you. Occasionally ask a question. Try to move the conversation towards something that is more interesting to you. If you can do this politely, find someone else who you find more interesting to talk with. If you’re in a noisy room, tell the person that I’d love to talk with them but that the noise is very distracting, and ask if they would mind moving to a quieter spot.
What kind of diet is best for ADD?
Diets high in carbohydrates or fat were found to be significantly better than diets high in protein for increasing cognitive (thinking) performance among 45 airplane pilots tested. In addition, a high-carbohydrate diet helped the pilots fall asleep more quickly and wake up less often.
A high-fat diet lead to significantly faster short-term memory. This does not mean people should always eat high fat or high carbohydrate meals although it does suggest avoiding high protein meals. A well balanced diet that contains a lot of carbohydrates and a reasonable amount of fat is best for cognitive performance.
Bear in mind that these recommendations are based on only one study. Further research is needed. If you do not have any diet related health problems, you could easily do a four week study on yourself, each week eating a diet high in carbohydrates or high in fat or high in carbohydrates plus fat or high in protein and seeing if you can notice any difference in your memory, sleep, or cognitive abilities.
Computer-based reminder systems
There are a number of hand-held or on-line computer programs that can remind you of tasks, appointments, birthdays, etc. You can be reminded by text message, cell phone call, and/or email message. If you have a hand held device or an email account or unlimited text messaging, the systems are free but there may be a small charge for text messaging.
A good system is the Google calendar and reminder system. Go to www.google.com/mobile/calendar/index.html (But first print out the instructions below, which are better than those on the Google site.)
If you haven’t already registered with Google, sign up for a Google calendar account.
Once you’ve signed on (it takes less than three minutes), you can start creating reminders about events that will reach you either on-line or from your cell phone.
Get paid to look at your reminder calendar each day
It is very helpful to keep a calendar for keeping track of appointments, birthdays, etc. so many people start to do this. They write down events and appointments in the calendar, but then, after a few days or weeks, stop looking at it. If you have a friend or relative who would like you to remember appointments and tasks to do better than you do now, here’s a suggestion that might keep you keep checking your calendar every day.
Make an agreement with the other person that each evening, you will check your calendar for the next day and make a small pen or pencil mark on that date of the calendar documenting that you have looked at it. The next day, the other person will look at the calendar and, if you’ve made your mark, will pay you a small agreed-upon amount of money. The amount could be 25 cents, a dollar, or ten dollars depending on your budget. It should be large enough to have some meaning but not so large as to be burdensome to either of you. Use whatever tools you can to “win” this game, including leaving notes to yourself on your pillow, by your toothbrush, etc to remind you to check the calendar each evening.
If the other person finds that you haven’t made your mark on a particular day, they will politely ask you for payment, and you will politely make it – no comments, no discussion.
Hopefully the other person is someone who is invested enough in your being successful with the calendar that he or she will be willing to pay for your being successful at it, at least for a while until it becomes a habit, when you can stop the game.
PS Keep it light. If this game leads to arguments, it’s best to stop playing it.
Get a reminder even if you don’t have a cell phone or wrist watch alarm
You may want to be reminded to do something on a particular day (rather than at a particular time.) That morning switch your wrist watch from your left wrist to your right wrist. Every time you check to see what time it is during the day, you will probably first look at the wrong wrist, then think, oh yes, there is something that I wanted to do today. Once you’ve accomplished whatever it is you wanted to do, switch the watch back to the left wrist.
“Occasionally I need to remember to do something important, but I don’t have a wrist watch alarm or cell phone alarm for reminding myself.”
It may help you be reminded to do something by switching your wrist watch from your left wrist to your right wrist. Every time you check to see what time it is, you will first look at the wrong wrist, then think, oh yes, there is something that I wanted to do today. Once you’ve done it whatever it is you wanted to do, switch the watch back to the left wrist.
Coaching Gems for computer users with ADD
1. Never check your email before you have completed at least one task on your to do list.
2. If you own stocks, never check how they are doing while the market is open. If you must check them every day, do it after the market has closed.
3. Keep time-wasting emails from ever getting into your in-box. Use GMail or another email program that allows a maximum of one or two spam mails a day into your box and lets you filter out all mail from specific senders whose mail you are not really interested in reading.
4. GMail also has a feature that lets you “unsend” or stop a recent email you sent if you realize you shouldn’t have sent it. You can set up the program to wait as many seconds as you want after you have clicked on “Send” before actually sending the email.
How to deal with impolite pharmacists
Every month or two a patient tells me about being mistreated by a pharmacist after presenting a prescription for a stimulant medication. The mistreatment takes the form of suspicious questions, whispering to colleagues, distrustful comments, vaguely accusatory remarks. On a recent occasion a pharmacist outright refused to fill a prescription and sent the patient away without calling me because he felt the patient was not taking the right dose.
While rude, the pharmacists’ behavior is motivated by legitimate concerns about some people’s reselling their medication or giving it to friends or family members. Some people take higher doses than were prescribed, same forge prescriptions, and some abuse stimulants. Stimulants are “controlled” drugs and can only be filled with a written prescription. The Federal Narcotics Bureau oversees the sale of stimulants and can impose harsh penalties on pharmacists for minor infractions of the law so they have to be extra cautious about filling prescriptions for people they don’t know.
Whatever their concerns are, they do not justify rude or critical treatment of customers. When faced with such behavior, some people have found it helpful to ask to speak to the pharmacist or pharmacy manager and, in a calm voice, telling him or her that you are being treated for ADD with stimulant medication and, while you understand that the pharmacy wants to be sure that it is handing stimulant prescriptions carefully and responsibly, there is no reason to treat customers who take stimulants with suspicion or rudely or disrespectfully. If it is a chain pharmacy, and the manager is not responsive to your concerns, politely ask for his or her name and write it down and ask how you can contact the pharmacy’s national office. This is often all that is required to get you the respect you deserve.
Not infrequently I refer a person to an ADD coach. Not infrequently the person sees the coach a few times, makes some progress and, for a variety of reasons (finances, time, “problem solved”, attention turned elsewhere, etc), the person decides to go it alone or to see the coach when things get out of hand again. I believe that there is something wrong with this model. Working with a coach to change a life-time habit is like taking lessons to learn to play the piano: six lessons won’t do it. Regular sessions, perhaps more frequent at first, are essential.
I have trouble reading for more than short periods of time.
Most electronic book tablets like the Kindle allow users to set the font size to large. Some people with ADD find this makes it a lot easier to read for longer periods of time.
I can’t keep track of the characters in a book or remember important parts of the plot when I read.
Try making notes either in the book if it is yours or on a piece of paper that you keep in the book with the characters’ names and relationships and the general plot lines.
Are there other sites with coaching gems?
FlyLady
One Way to Stop Missing Appointments
People with ADD often lose sight of the forest (the big picture) and get lost in the trees (the details). For example, when they go into a hardware store, they often walk in, look around, and get interested in all the useful gadgets they see. Not infrequently they end up leaving the store with items they don’t really need and without some of the items they intended to buy. They lost sight of the big picture, their overall goal in going to the store.
Getting and keeping the big picture in mind before an event can be very helpful. In the case of the hardware store, it will help to bring a written list of items to be bought and to review the list before entering and leaving the store. (You might buy some extra items but at least you’ll be more likely to buy what you want.)
On a grander scale, if you have ADD, you may find it useful to keep a calendar on which you write down all the appointments and events you have planned. These should be written down on the day the appointment was made. If you don’t carry your schedule with you, write down the appointments on a piece of paper. Every evening, sit down with the calendar, take out the scraps of appointment notes from your pocket, write down the event, and throw away the piece of paper.
Then review the next day’s schedule (the big picture) and make a list made of tasks, events, or items listed for the next day. Think about them – do you need to do anything special to prepare for them, is there anything you need to bring with you? When you’ve done that, make a check mark on that date of the calendar. You may be surprised find how helpful this is.
Not forgetting or losing things when you’re away from home
Before you walk out the door of your home/office/train/airplane, count the number of items that you are carrying with you. Include any item of clothing that you are carrying (as opposed to wearing) during the next leg of your trip including hat, gloves, umbrella, computer, etc, When you arrive at the next stop on your trip, count to be sure you still have the same number of items. Repeat the count at each stop.
Not misplacing things you put down in your house (like glasses, cell phone, house-keys, knitting, screw driver, etc)
When you put something down in any place different from the place you usually put it (hopefully there is a usual place), announce out loud “I am putting my keys on the kitchen window sill, or I am putting my glasses on TV set.)”
Remember where in the parking lot/garage you parked your car
When you park your car, send a text message to your own cell phone briefly noting where the car is located. When you are looking for it later, just look at your cell phone screen.
If I’m holding a golf club when I get to the green, I’ll often put it down to putt, and then forget it after I’ve putted. I then move on to the next hole without it.
Always place the club somewhere on the path you’ll walk between the hole-cup and the next tee. In general, leave things you want to remember in a place where you will have to come across them without having to rely on your memory.
Have some other coaching gems you want so share with others? Send me a note at MarcDSchwartzMD@GMail.com
Visitors: What coaching gems not listed on this page have you found most helpful?